By Gwen Frost
I have a wonderful girlfriend who I’ve been in a relationship with for a while, but we’ve both agreed our sex life is getting a little stale. We’ve been considering mixing it up with a threesome for a while, and I know one of my best friends would be interested. What steps can we take to make sure nobody gets hurt? How would I go about initiating it? Should we talk about it before or let it unfold naturally?
Sincerely,
Two Peas in a Pod
Dear Two Peas in a Pod,
I think this is a good idea. There is nothing unnatural about wanting to share intimacy with more than one partner. Early editions of the Kamasutra from 400 BC include depictions of three-way (and more) sex. Bathhouses in Pompeii, Italy had adornments of three-party intercourse, and Greek Mythology was heavily influenced by the menage a trois. The Greek god Dionysus of wine, fertility and theatre had many orgies in the days of ancient Greece. In January 2016, Pornhub rated “threesome” as the No. 2 search for female users, and the No. 13 search overall.
This is very situation-specific issue. The dynamics of friendship and sexuality are in bed together here, and you don’t want anyone to end up feeling upset or pressured. I suggest casually bringing up the concept of threesomes in general, and ask interested parties how they feel about threesomes (maybe casually bring up a hypothetical situation). If they seem interested, ask if they would consider engaging in this kind of romance with you (this can make it easier to ask for consent in the moment, if you’ve already talked about it previously).
However, you definitely don’t want to end up in a situation where two people have discussed it, and the other is just sort of cornered into it; this tends to happen when a couple will discuss the notion and then make their move on an unknowing third-party. Every person involved in a sexual act deserves equal consent and equal respect; if you are a couple, this third (or fourth) person should be taken as seriously as if it was a 1-on-1 situation.
If you’re part of a couple and are nervous that things are going off course into something you’re uncomfortable with, maybe have a signal like saying “I need water” so you can take a break and reevaluate. Agreeing on possible third-parties before, and what you are both comfortable with, can help avoid this uncomfortable situation.
Also, if you’re reading this as a possible third-party candidate to a threesome with a couple, trust me, you’ll be ANYTHING but left out (these people have the same cup of coffee all the time, but you are a flavoring they have never tried- neither of them). Also, I find that ALL people can be worried that someone will feel left out during group-sex, but this is anything but the truth. There are so many more places to put your hands, the crook of your neck, your mouth… I wouldn’t worry about going untouched (c’mon, SIX hands).
Sometimes you don’t know how you’ll feel after engaging in a multiple-person sexual engagement. Should it happen again? How will you know? My best advice is to communicate as openly as possible with ALL parties, as to not let peer-pressure coerce someone into doing something again that they don’t want to- it’s harder to say no to two people than just one, in some cases. Sometimes moving forward after a threesome there can be a little bit of tension, because it can occur where some desire the crazy playground of casual intimacy that threesomes can offer. And sex complicates everything, for better or worse.