By Kira Stussy
Ah, it’s that time of the year again. You know, the most wonderful one? The time when life seems to take on a soft glow and every department store smells faintly of pine trees. While the holiday season is one that should be enjoyed, there are those who have crossed the line from being merry to scary. These people must be approached with caution and interacted with in very specific ways. Below are some red flags to help you spot these Holiday Enthusiasts along with seasoned tips on how to safely communicate:
1. The only music they listen to between Halloween and December is the Michael Buble Christmas album: You may think that the third time listening to his rendition of “Jingle Bells” will be the last, but you will be sorely mistaken. Do not attempt to skip any songs on this album. Changing the music will result in loud protestations and possible snarls. The only exception is if you are switching it to Justin Bieber’s glorious hit, “Mistletoe”, because who doesn’t love the Biebs?
2. Black Friday is the real-life Hunger Games: You know who I’m talking about. If that person is willing to wrestle that last Xbox away from a ten year old kid at 2:30 in the morning, let them have it. Is having that final pair of Nikes really worth the black eye and throat punch you are sure to endure if you continue battling it out? Just settle for the Asics, they’re almost just as cool.
3. Everything they eat and drink is either pumpkin or candy-cane flavored: Don’t even try suggesting they try a sip of your nonfat vanilla latte between the months of October and December unless you want to be exposed as a non-enthusiast. I would highly discourage outing yourself as such, as this could result in ostracism and conspiracy against you. At least when out in public, only order pumpkin spice lattes and peppermint mochas, for these are your only safe bets. Pro tip: make PUMPKIN your safe word for “help” with a close friend who shares your fear of Holiday Enthusiasts. For example, “Hey, I need PUMPKIN really bad right now!”.
4. Those old creepy clay-mation movies are their favorite “films” in the entire world: If you encounter this phenomena, the best course of action is to simply nod along and join in when they sing the “We’re a Couple of Misfits” song from Rudolph. Pretending like you can relate at all to those little stop-motion characters will save you the headache that is trying to explain how you actually feel about them: pure unease.
5. They think snow has magical powers or something: I don’t understand it either, but if you can manage to achieve a dreamy glimmer in your eyes and a soft smile on your lips as you look out the window and see that deadly, frozen slush-water fall from the sky, you’re good to go.
6. Last, but perhaps most important, is that they reach nearly fanatic levels of decorating: If you approach a house that is smothered with so many lights that your eyes catch fire, this is your first warning that you will be stepping into the residence of an Enthusiast. You will then see the 20 nutcrackers all lined in a row atop the fireplace, the tinsel strung around the banister and every inch of wall space filled with Old St. Nick’s face. You must not sneeze from the overwhelming scent of those cinnamon pinecones they bought at Fred Meyer. No. You simply compliment the “beautiful decorations” and hold your breath.
As you embark into this holiday season, tread carefully. Holiday Enthusiasts do not see this as a time of year, they see it as a lifestyle. A final note: the form of retaliation you can expect to receive from these Holiday
Enthusiasts, if you do choose to contradict them, is not violence or yelling, but conversion tactics. You will be met with so much cheer and well wishes, you won’t be able to help yourself– you will be humming “Happy Holiday” by Andy Willliams and buying ten boxes of gingersnaps before you can say “humbug”. Their attitude is nothing short of contagious. By then it’s too late, and your transformation from the Grinch to Buddy the Elf will be complete.
You’ll be one of them.
BUT, follow my six foolproof tips above and you will remain a non-enthusiast throughout the season. Happy Holidays, everyone!