Dear Love Column:
Is it true that we choose partners that are similar to our parents? My past two girlfriends have both looked like my mother. I’m pretty sure Freud’s theory only applies to opposite sex relationships, and I’m sex assigned male at birth, but I identify as a woman. Was Freud’s theory of attraction relating to our parents based off of gender or sex? Is it even applicable?
-Oh No
Dear Oh No,
For readers who don’t know the specifics of the theories alluded to in the question, Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) created the theories of the Oedipus complex (for boys), and the Electra complex (for girls). Gender identity was understood as developing in relation to our parents in genders, in the sense that children want to have sex with their parent of the opposite sex, as well as eliminate the competition (their parent of the same sex) in order to be the monogamous mate of their opposite-sexed parent.
Moving away from Freud, we define gender as a cultural construction assigned at birth, usually based off of primary sex traits, then we can differentiate the definition of sex as the biological category that someone’s genitals and hormones puts them into.
We are working with contemporary definitions. However, Freud’s theory of the Oedipal and Electra complexes relies on a binary interpretation of gender that aligns with biological sex. Because of this, even if Freud’s theories had merit, they would only be applicable to cisgender children with a mother and a father (who must possess a penis). These theories are heteronormative, cisnormative and fairly speculative.
Freud’s theory isn’t applicable to you, because it isn’t applicable to anyone, as it is backed by almost zero credible evidence and only popular because it is flashy and unforgettable (seriously, try to forget it. You won’t be able to.)
Freud aside, here are three reasons you might be choosing partners that look or act like your parents:
- We learn to associate actions with love, constantly, but primarily with the people who raise us at a young age. Maybe your parents showed affection to you with physical gestures, by baking you things, by showing up, or by giving you gifts. These are all different “love languages.” When people replicate those actions that we associate with love and affection, it is most likely we will recognize these actions as affection if they are ones that we grew up with.
- People like to fantasize about taboo stuff- the more weird/awful it would be if it actually happened, sometimes the more fun the fantasy can be. Fantasy can be reified subconscious decisions. This reason is a stretch, and would rely on your subconscious to be fairly kinky. Do you!
- Sometimes, our parents or guardians are role models for success and love in our minds (somewhere). If you had a good relationship with either of your parents, it’s not that surprising that you might seek out a partner that subconsciously reminds you of someone you love very much. This doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have sex with your mom, but instead that her face might be comforting because she reminds you of support and comfort. Or its plausible that you might seek out a partner who will fill roles your parents used to fill; cooking dinner, buying you red wine, or massaging your shoulders.
Surfs up!
Gwen