The Eastern Back is a yearly publication by the staff of the AS Review. Anything contained here probably isn’t true- unless it is. Happy April Fool’s week!
By Josh Hughes
Western has decided to open its third Subway™ location on campus due to popular demand. After the Multicultural Center construction is completed, Dawson construction will start working on a “pop up” Subway in Red Square.
“We felt that some students didn’t always have the time to go to Subway in between classes. By adding one between our two locations, we’re sure that everyone will be happy at the outcome,” said Jamie Smith, Retail Manager for Food Services.
Students unhappy with the lack of diverse restaurants on campus should look no further, Subway is adding pita bread, naan, fried chicken and poutine to their menu.
Other dining options on campus are frantically looking at ways to up their game before the restaurant opens.
“It’s already been hard to stay open with two Subways on campus. We really don’t know what to do now that there’ll be three,” said Maria C. Govea, co-owner of Burrito King. The unpopular Vendor’s Row restaurant feels threatened by Western’s choice to run all the “small guys” out of campus.
Some Brotha Dudes employees have already stopped showing up to their spot at Vendor’s Row, which they were already doing, but now it’s not just because they’re high. India Grill has refused to comment, even though Subway has promised new “paneer cheese” as an option for their sandwiches.
“We’re artists. I can understand the mere cooks could feel intimidated, but we really are the head honchos around here,” said a Subway employee who demanded to remain anonymous.
As for the students, everyone’s obviously quite excited. Some art majors have complained about how the new location will replace the Isamu Noguchi “Skyviewing Sculpture,” even though it will be moved into the B Gallery.
“I was really excited when Western replaced Chick-fil-A with another Subway in the VU. This is the best news I’ve heard since then!” said junior Aubrey Mange.
“I’m not a student, but I come to campus twice a week to get the $3.79 meal of the day. It doesn’t matter to me that there’s gonna be another Subway, but the more the merrier!” said Bellingham resident Maggie Rimmer.
Those looking to be a sandwich artist for the new location are welcome to apply online or in person.
(Subway would like to clarify that they do not sell $5 footlongs and have not done so for the past seven years).