An assortment of flavored condoms. Soleil de Zwart // AS Review
By PJ Heusted
It’s no surprise that dorm common areas are stocked with free condoms or that the term “sexiled” works its way into the vocabulary of freshmen. When you take several thousand young adults, remove their parents and put them all in a relatively small radius, one thing is bound to happen: sex.
Sex in college takes a variety of forms, depending on who you are and what you’re into. Regardless of how you choose to get it on, safety remains a top priority for all participants. Both in ensuring that you and your sexual partner(s) remain consenting to and comfortable with what is going on and in protecting yourselves from sexually transmitted diseases or infections.
One may recognize the risks of unprotected penetrative vaginal and anal sex, such as unwanted pregnancy or the spread of genital sexually transmitted infections (STIs), but the risks associated with unprotected oral sex tend to go unaddressed. Thankfully, much like their use in penetrative sex, condoms help to protect against the spread of infections between partners.
While condoms are not a guarantee of preventing the spread of STIs they help to significantly decrease the chance of infections including gonorrhea, hepatitis A and B, herpes, human papillomavirus, syphilis and more, according to Planned Parenthood.
However, the taste of a plain latex condom could be considered a turn-off by most and that’s where flavored condoms come in. With a variety of flavors available there is bound to be one that appeals to you. But are they any good?
From Worst To Best:
Vanilla:
If you could capture the essence of a dental office and put it into a condom, it would be vanilla flavored. They taste like the gritty stuff that the hygienist uses to clean your teeth and you’re thrilled because your teeth are clean, but there are gloves in your mouth. There might be a birthday cake candle burning somewhere in the office. The condoms themselves are blue, which is about the only good thing I have to say, and I’m not convinced that blue condoms are a good thing. Overall: Really, really awful.
Strawberry:
Do you remember playing with plastic foods and cookware as a child? Like, all of those fake little fruits and vegetables? Did you ever put one of the fruits in your mouth, just to see if it tasted as good as it looked? These tasted the same way that you would imagine a plastic strawberry to taste. The only sort of flavor is your brain trying to convince your mouth that you aren’t just sucking on plastic. Overall: Not good, but slightly less offensive than vanilla.
Banana:
They tasted like candy. However, they tasted like really, really bad candy. They tasted the same as those little tiny, chalky banana candies. Now you see, the funny thing about that is that those tiny, chalky banana candies don’t have any flavor! Like, I can’t say that they were awful but they definitely weren’t good. Overall: Given the lack of flavor and disgusting color choice, just pick something else.
Chocolate:
Much like banana, the primary flavor was the lack of flavor. Plus, the flavor that they did manage to create was more vanilla than it was chocolate. The smell was great though, I’d give them points for that. Unfortunately, the taste is the equivalent of asking for a chocolate lava cake and being given a slice of stale vanilla pound cake. There is no question that it’s not great, but you still prefer it to no cake at all. Overall: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
Mint:
This one, all around, reminded me of a candy cane. See, here’s the thing about candy canes: you always think they are going to be better than they are but you never really complain about them. They’re fun for about five minutes and then it turns into a chore to finish it (not to draw any parallels or anything), but in general, they’re fine. This condom tasted a bit like kissing someone after they brushed their teeth, but they brushed them a while ago so the minty flavor is really faint and only maybe still there. Overall: It was pretty alright and I really can’t complain.
Cola:
Cola ended up being the dark horse of the competition. It was the flavor that I started with because I wanted to get what I thought would be the worst of them over with early on. But alas, I was left in shock and awe by a surprisingly complex blend of root beer and cola flavors. My main complaint was the overall weakness of the flavor, but that was true of most of the condoms that I sampled. Overall: A bit more Pepsi than Coca Cola, but definitely sip worthy.
Grape:
Most of the condoms were a “lick and done” sort of situation, but the grape flavor was more of a “lick and linger” tasting. I am willing to say, with a moderate degree of confidence, that this tasted good. It was an intensely artificial grape flavor in the way that Jolly Ranchers or grape soda taste. It tasted like candy, if candy was a little latex bag made to protect against the spread of diseases and infections, which in my humble opinion gives it a bonus point or two. Overall: Delicious, delightful and would genuinely recommend it.