The AS Review Western Alert image. Stephen Smith // Publicity Center
The Eastern Back is a yearly publication by the staff of the AS Review. Anything contained here probably isn’t true – unless it is… Happy April Fool’s week!
By PJ Heusted
Western’s text and email alert system is [allegedly] a highly effective way for administration to communicate with the student population. These alerts are often used to spread information about closures, emergencies or crimes that may affect students. Western Alerts provide thorough, detailed descriptions of events and are always delivered at appropriate times.
Here are a sampling of draft Western Alerts that were never sent:
WESTERN ALERT: Buses are delayed after a baby deer decided to take a nap in the crosswalk outside of the Wade King Student Recreation Center. Students urged to find alternative methods of transportation for today.
WESTERN ALERT: Classes to start exactly four days after they were intended. This number has nothing to do with a delay of five days being the requirement for tuition discounts.
WESTERN ALERT: Zoe’s Bookside Bagels ran out of coffee beans at approximately 12:37 p.m. and will not be getting another shipment until tomorrow evening. We apologize for any inconveniences.
WESTERN ALERT: Reports of an alien abduction in “Wright’s Triangle,” the large triangular sculpture near the Ross Engineering and Technology Building. A student reported seeing an unidentified flying object hover above the statue and the flashing lights within the sculpture changed color and flashed faster than usual.
WESTERN ALERT: Raccoon guarding all entrances to Fairhaven Commons. It’s only allowing students to pass if students offer to swipe them into the dining hall. Please do not give the raccoons access to the dining hall.
WESTERN ALERT: Gust of wind knocked students into Fisher Fountain. No injuries reported, but we are kindly asking that students delete any videos of the incident.
WESTERN ALERT: Western President Sabah Randhawa accidentally spilled coffee on his white shirt today. If any students see him on campus it is important that you do not laugh or take photos as this may hurt his feelings.
WESTERN ALERT: Student recently discovered that the “Stadium Piece” statue, commonly referred to as “The Stairs to Nowhere,” in the Communications Lawn do in fact lead to somewhere. More information provided in the email.
WESTERN ALERT: Something bad may or may not have happened on or near campus. We are not entirely sure yet and will update with more information.
WESTERN ALERT: Classes to be taught exclusively through Twitch streams for the remainder of the 2019-2020 academic year.
Happy April Fools!
