By: Abbey Raynes
Grief. Everyone has gone through it, or will go through it. That is a fact. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, a breakup, losing something important, or a huge change, grief is unfortunately a side effect of life and can happen at any given moment.
A few months ago, one of my friends sent me a card when my grandma passed away and wrote, “Grief is proof you loved, it is proof you have a soul, it is proof that you cared,” and I take those words with me everyday. As hard as it is to feel the painful emotions during these times, it is essential to your wellbeing.
Now, I am no expert on grief, but from my experience, no one tells you how to process grief because there is no one right answer. Everyone faces these feats differently, and it won’t be the same each time you go through something. For some it’s instantaneous, for some it takes several months, and for others, years. There is this unspoken rule that grief has to look one certain way, but in reality, that is not the case– and that is okay.
Various students’ accounts of their own experience with the first stage of grief, shock. // Abbey Raynes
You might feel crazy for feeling everything and nothing at once, and you might even question, ‘How is the world still spinning? How can people just go on living their daily lives when I’m left with all of this pain?’ Your emotions might/will fester into anger, sadness, anxiety; frustration with the thought that you’re taking ‘too much time’ to process everything. After time, it seems to come to a point where ‘you need to get over it’, or else it feels like people start looking at you like you’re broken.
Grief seems to be a taboo topic in college. It is such a time of constant change, and to figure out who you are, while also dealing with the hard moments in life that seem like they will never end. It becomes even more isolating when it feels like you’re the only one facing these challenges during such a significant time.
Various students’ accounts of their own experience with the second stage of grief, denial. // Abbey Raynes
There’s an unspoken rule to just bottle up grief and put it into a bottle, and open it whenever it’s convenient. But as anyone who has gone through grief knows– there’s no way in hell that is actually sustainable. It can be overshadowed by assignments, projects, social lives, work, and so many other aspects of daily living because the world sadly doesn’t stop just for you. It’s hard to find moments for yourself to sit with everything or at least feel some type of relief because of how fast-paced and go-go-go life is. Some would argue ‘that’s just life’, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Grief can be an isolating thing, but you are not alone. There is no ‘right’ way to cope. Take all the time you need and allow yourself to feel your emotions. Even though it might be nice to indulge in unhealthy coping mechanisms because it seems like the easier option, it will be more painful in the long run, to run from everything you don’t want to feel.
Various students’ accounts of their own experience with the third stage of grief, anger. // Abbey Raynes
In times like these, hold your friends and family close, they will be the ones you can look to for support. And the most important thing is to also give yourself grace. There is no time limit for grief; keep reminding yourself that even when you don’t believe it.
Various students’ accounts of their own experience with the forth stage of grief, bargaining. // Abbey Raynes
Sometimes it will sneak up on you when you’re in their favorite coffee shop, or when you’re laying in bed at 2:00 a.m. staring at the blank canvas of your wall. And days when you feel like you’re okay– maybe 3 weeks later–you feel exactly where you were at the start. That is completely okay and normal. Grief is not linear. It will attack you in ways that will be painful but feel everything; don’t hold back. Scream. Cry. Break some plates. Run for 10,000 miles. My personal favorite so far is the batting cages or horrendously writing poetry.
Various students’ accounts of their own experience with the fifth stage of grief, depression. // Abbey Raynes
Remember, you are not alone. We’ve all heard of the seven stages of grief, but it is seen in so many different forms and it’s also not felt in the linear way it’s written out, but rather like a massive tangled ball. Other people have felt these same emotions.
Various students’ accounts of their own experience with the sixth stage of grief, testing. // Abbey Raynes
That is why we created a questionnaire to give folks a space to talk about their own coping mechanisms, and how everyone goes through those same waves. In moments like this, we have to remind ourselves that grief is proof that you loved, it is proof that you cared, and it is proof that you have a soul. Without these emotions, we wouldn’t be human. Indulge and invest into yourself and everything you feel. For a while, it won’t be okay, and that’s perfectly fine. You are loved and you are not alone.
Various students’ accounts of their own experience with the final stage of grief, acceptance. // Abbey Raynes
RESOURCES ON GRIEF
- Grief support group in Bellingham: https://whatcomhospice.org/grief-support-groups/#:~:text=Additional%20Bereavement%20Information&text=inclement%20weather%20cancellations)
- Hot line for grief and loss: https://findahelpline.com/countries/us/wa/topics/grief-loss
- Crisis life/explaining grief: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/grieving-your-way
- Ways to help grief: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief –
Various students’ accounts on their comments on grief. // Abbey Raynes