By Gwen Frost
I have been having dependency issues in my otherly great relationship lately. I want to learn how to distance myself from the relationship a bit and have more focus on my friends and social life outside of my boyfriend, but am finding it a bit hard to transition out of spending all my time with him. Any advice on not making your partner your whole life? How do you know when codependency is becoming too unhealthy?
-Not Enough Time
Dear Not Enough Time,
This is a difficult problem, because when you really love being around somebody, it may seem counter-intuitive to hold back on spending time with them. However, investing all your time into one person isn’t necessarily a good idea for two reasons: 1. Codependency is a specific kind of emotional dependency that causes your own moods and feelings be inextricably linked to your significant others (SO), and vice versa. This can involve an overload of emotional labor for both of you, and it will inhibit both of your independence by feeling responsible for the others feelings. 2. Putting your friends on hold while you maintain a relationship with your SO isn’t really fair to them, especially considering that if the two of you break up, you will probably fall back on your friends and expect them to prioritize you now that you have time for them.
My advice on not making your partner your whole life would be to start with thinking about how you distribute your time. If you hang out with your partner and their friends on Friday, make it a goal to prioritize seeing your friends on Saturday. Or if you feel that you both often default to hanging out with each other, try instead to spend quality one-on- time for one night instead of hanging out in groups both nights; this way you can have meaningful time that will keep you feeling connected to your relationship. You both probably have other people in your life that you want to spend time with, so I wouldn’t worry about them not understanding your desire to equalize your social schedule- they probably feel similarly.
To know if codependency is becoming unhealthy, it’s always good to check in with outside perspectives outside of your relationship. Try to get feedback from your roommates, friends, or family as to if they think your relationship is taking over your life, or compare the amount of time or energy your relationship takes with other healthy relationship models that you have in your life. The only person who can make your partner “not your whole life” is you. So communicate and set those boundaries that allow you to put energy into other relationships. If you mutually agree to both do so, it won’t feel like you’re growing apart whenever you’re not spending time together.