By Gwen Frost
Dear Sex Column,
I’m in a relationship with this girl and up until recently has been going really well. I’m femme too, and it’s my first seriously-committed queer relationship, and the communication and intimacy is on such a different level than I’m used to experiencing when dating men. This Winter, I have been having difficulties with depressive episodes, lasting weeks at a time, with brief surgances of relief from them… I experience really low sex-drive when I’m depressed, and though I’ve communicated to my partner that it’s not that I’m less attracted to her, she doesn’t seem to be really convinced. She’s identified as a lesbian for a long time, and I’ve only been identifying as bisexual for a year or two, and I feel like she’s made comments in the past about her frustration with femmes treating her like a trial-run, and not being a “real” lesbian. I suspect she could be feeling that I’m like this. I don’t know what to do or how to navigate this. I don’t think I’m becoming Asexual, but I really don’t want to jeopardize this relationship, and I don’t know how to make myself heard. What should I do?
-Feeling Caught
Dear Feeling Caught,
Firstly, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with depression right now. Sometimes it can be really hard to understand if your change in expression and desire are due to a fluid turn of your sexuality, or if it’s symptomatic solely of your mental illness. I will say one thing: regardless of the origins, if you’re not wanting to engage with someone sexually, that is valid, and needs to be respected. You don’t have to make any promises of 1) why it’s happening 2) when you might feel sexual again or 3) the “realness” of your queer identity.
Though I do have some sympathy for your partner feeling like a trial-run for girls who are experimenting, her bi-erasure politics are super not acceptable, and if you’re feeling like she’s making you feel like you’re not gay just because you won’t have sex with her, there is a much deeper problem involving her insecurity intersecting with homophobic stereotypes about bisexual womxn (ex: bi-womxn are just bi for attention, or specifically male-attention, and aren’t really queer).
However, her feelings could be coming from a place of pain, a pain associated from being repeatedly disregarded. I don’t think this mean she gets to put unfair assumptions on you, but it could be a way of protecting herself. Still, that doesn’t mean it’s something you have to tolerate.
Sometimes people in romantic relationships expect a certain degree of sexual intimacy, not simply for stereotypical legitimacy of romance, but for personal needs and wants. You might consider having a conversation with your partner to see if this is a relationship she wants to be in, and if she would consider being in a different kind of relationship with you, different from the behaviors you both used to engage in. There is no higher morality in wanting to be in a sexless relationship versus wanting to be in a sexual relationship. Either way, if you’re not getting what you need from a relationship, you both should be allowed to make that decision for yourselves.
This relationship seems to be really important to you. I advise you to be transparent. You care about her. She might be taking your lack of sexual interest in her personally, even if she is able to outwardly recognize that it’s due to your depression. There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to have sex. And it’s not abnormal for her to internalize your lack of interest to her self-esteem, but I don’t think that’s fair. It’s not fair. Making your partner feel guilty for not wanting sex is a form of coercion, and this is not the kind of “support” you should be receiving from people who care about you when you’re depressed.
That being said, if you’re committed to staying together, this may mean things change for your relationship; but you can look at it like a new phase. If she still wants to engage sexually with someone, maybe consider an open relationship where she can have sex with other people, while you both can maintain your intimate romantic connection with each other. Love doesn’t just look like one thing. And it’s really hard to love people the way they want to be loved, all of the time, when we want to be loved differently. They might hold your hand when you wish they would pick you flowers, and they might bite your neck when you wish they would kiss your forehead. Our love languages can be different, so sometimes we don’t hear it when people tell us. If showing love for both of you can mean more than physical sex, you can make love walking to school or making them dinner or touching fingertips. Different things can be love, it’s not only what we’re told it is.