By Gwen Frost
Dear Love Column,
I’m in a relationship with this really cool dude, and things are going well. I’m not super in love with him, but we definitely are in a honeymoon-ey phase (it’s been two months). But regardless, I keep having really strong fits of jealousy and anger about him spending time around other girls? Even if they’re his friends, I feel really fucking controlling and horrible but I can’t shake this feeling. It’s been kinda like this in past relationships for me too, but it was usually with people I cared more about. I don’t know if something is wrong with me in how possessive I am. How much jealousy is just “to be expected” in a relationship, and when do you know when it’s unnatural, or going too far?
Sincerely,
Green
Dear Green,
Jealousy gets a bad rap in relationships, and kind of demonized in society overall. Feeling envious of somebody because they are getting what you want makes sense. They are receiving a pleasure you wish you had, and negative feelings will obviously result towards the thing that keeps you from getting what you want. Monogamous relationships are supposedly meant to shield you from jealousy in a way that polyamorous relationships are unable, but monogamy is dense in jealousy.
In what ways you act on this jealousy can be a good indicator of whether jealousy is overtaking your relationship. Acting in ways that make your partner feel guilty for spending time with people that aren’t you, or taking out the anger on them in other ways are both unhealthy ways to cope with an envious feeling. Jealousy can be a natural feeling, but it can manifest and be poisonous if people aren’t honest about it.
Sometimes, just being honest and saying an insecurity out loud is all it takes for you to hear how ridiculous it sounds, or to simply deflate the tension that has built over you keeping this secret. Other times, our partners will be totally responsive, (because hey, maybe they get jealous too,) and then they can adjust their behavior to a place where you’re both comfortable.
For Freshman Loren Peterson, a lot of the problems in their last relationship were due to jealousy. He said that for him, jealousy comes from insecurity, because “we’re pretty insecure about ourselves and need other people to validate us, especially in relationships.”
Maybe there is some extent to which the jealousy you may be feeling has more to do with you than it does with your partner. These issues are your responsibility to work out with yourself, it shouldn’t be anyone’s job to isolate themselves due to the reason that you can’t stand comparing your image of yourself to anyone.
Looking at the naturality of jealousy, Senior Sam Fox believes there is an evolutionary rooting, like people protecting their means of reproduction from other people. “When you see a person looking at someone with the same eyes that you think they only look at you, it makes your reality with them seem less special and intimate,” said Fox. “Which hurts.”
So is some of the jealousy we face just, natural? I think so. It’s even normal to have irrational jealousies, because it’s a particularly irrational emotion.
Talk about your insecurities to your friends, and if they don’t go away and it’s causing you distress or hindering your relationship, bring it up to your partner. If you’re with somebody who is worth being in a relationship for, then they should be the kind of person who doesn’t want to cause you emotional stress, especially unknowingly. You’re not crazy for feeling jealous, but you’re right to monitor if a possessive feeling is in check, because being over-possessive can escalate to abuse, where controlling someone’s life and emotional manipulation play in. Talk it out, talk yourself down, and call yourself out.