By Erasmus Baxter
Tuition may be rising, but Western is digging in to a new funding source, literally.
A new Trump administration program will provide Western funding to construct a coal mine under Carver Gym.
“This campus is sitting on gold mine!” Geology professor Daniel Plainview said. “I mean, not literally, but these here hills are full of the good stuff.”
The swampy ground under campus will present obstacles, but a plan to use children from the Child Development Center in Fairhaven to navigate the narrow tunnels has promise, he said.
This innovative proposal, along with the prominence of Western’s Geology program, meant the program was great fit, Department Chair Sarah Igneous said.
“We’ve spent years hearing ‘Rocks are for jocks’,” she said. “We’ll see how much you like it when there’s an open mine shaft blocking your way to class.”
However, Director of Communications and Marketing Paul Cocke said the 100-person bituminous coal mine would not unduly affect campus accessibility.
“Western has been in a continuous state of construction since the 1960s,” he said. “Students are used to inconvenience.”
To compensate for the carbon emissions, Western will ramp up its Sustainability Master Plan, with the goal of having compost in all buildings by 2025, he said.
“One of the concerns raised by students about the Western Foundation’s investment in fossil fuels is a collapse in a price colapse,” Cocke continued. “Exploiting our own resources will allow us to stay financially stable, while providing locally-sourced materials that our community loves.”
He could not confirm if the coal miners bussed in from West Virginia will pay in-state or out-of-state tuition.
Students for Renewable Energy said they were outraged, and plan to host a showing of “Billy Elliot” in protest.
“If these kids take to a picket line in the form of an entertaining yet poignant musical number, you can be sure we’ll be there to provide backup vocals,” SRE President Tony Winner said. “Solidarity forever!”